Why is there an ache in my Heart?

WE ARE TOXIC.

By Aqua Skies

                                                                                                                                                                  

You said you cared for me.

That you didn’t know who you were without me.

I believed it. I believed it all.

You said you hate how different we are yet we somehow always feel the same thing, now it feels like you hated me...

You claimed you're toxic, that we are, toxic.

I was toxic because I craved your toxicity.

You promised that you are trying...

But did you really?

Try?

I don't think you tried enough or else I wouldn't be sitting here still wasting my youth on you.

Wasting my youth for the memories of you.

You claimed that you'd never care for anyone in life as much as you care about me and that was a lie too because if you cared for me you'd ask how am I.

You are too scared to ask how I'm feeling so you ask "how are you doing?", as always I reply with "I'm okay." like a polished practiced lie, set in stone carved by the waves of my endless tears over the years.

"I'm okay.", yes I am.

But I am not fine at all but you never check, you don’t make sure, you don’t ask again.

And we move onto out dry conversation.

Why do you do that? Why are you so afraid of asking me? Are you ashamed? Or you simply don’t care about how I feel.

I would simply give up anything to know what goes inside your head.

I would rather give up everything to know how you felt about me instead of making myself feel better.

Because I want to know what made you do what you did to me.

I will never feel fine.

I never was, apparently.

And I never will be, probably.

And you know how much you participated in making me feel this way.

The way I feel.

Because I know what to call it otherwise.

I don't know what I feel is happy or sad or something else.

I just know I just feel something, odd, unexplainable; I hate it.

Have you deleted my pictures yet?

Have you removed the anniversary of when we spoke for the first time from your calendar yet?

You said I made you feel understood and I think you did the same for me but I was wrong, if you understood me, even a little as you so bravely claim to be, you would've known how much you would've hurt me...

How much you’re hurting me still.

You ruined love for me…

I think I loved you not knowing what love even was and you broke my heart in the worst way possible that I am too afraid to love anyone now.

I became something that can’t be loved and that can’t love any other person completely and as honestly as I loved you.

I still think I love people, things, objects, books but I don’t give them the power to hurt me back, like I gave you.

This is love still but this isn’t honest love. I don’t consider it honest.

To love something but not enough. It is manipulation to convince someone or something that you love them but you carry doubts in your head about it.

Maybe this is my paranoia talking. Perhaps I’m full blown crazy now.

It’s just that you ruined love for me and never took responsibility I wanted to let you know. I want to let you know. I don't know why but I want to.

I was vulnerable and I loved something and someone maybe I wasn’t supposed to love but you also ruined possibility of loving someone as I loved you so I stop myself subconsciously for anyone to make me feel that way.

I won’t be doing justice to anyone I tell them I love and then don’t give them my heart completely.

Are you happy now?

Was that your goal?

Hurting me and ruining me?

You know if I were in your shoes and had even an ounce of humanity left in me I wouldn’t ever ever try to contact me.

After what you did to me how can you still be so nonchalant about anything its blasphemous and cruel.

Why are you so cruel?

Why do you still talk to me?

For your sake or for my sake?

Why?

If you think you talk to me for my sake, then I hope you stop soon… your excuse must be because I let you in again? I did. I know I let you in again but that’s what I do isn’t it?

I let you in again all the damn freaking time.

So you should be sensible enough to not give me this opportunity to let me let you in again because we both know at the end of the day you hurt me, every time.

But you aren’t sensible enough… are you?

If you were I wouldn’t have to stop my tears from falling right now while typing this.

So no you aren’t.

Why aren’t you?

I think I hate you. Hate is a strong word…

I don’t hate you…

Maybe I do?

I don’t know.

But I do know one thing I don’t love you anymore.

Maybe I do?

 

See what you did to me?

I don’t know anything.

What I know is I will be happier if you just disappear from my life. At least I wouldn’t have to see your name whenever you send a text and re-live everything hurt, pain and loss that you’ve caused me over the years.

I might not know what I feel now but I definitely remember what I felt earlier.

It was everything a teenager shouldn’t be feeling.

I always used to be the one who felt everything deeply but back then I didn’t know that…

I wish I knew so I wouldn’t have given you the power to hurt me.

Fuck, you are really good at ruining things.

But thank you for making me realize that I am capable of loving so damn hard that I might die for that particular person.

Maybe when one day I have my shit together I will love someone again as intensely as maybe I have loved you.

I don’t care as a friend or as a lover or maybe as both.

Perhaps that person might be my both.

As maybe as you were.

So thank you.