Why is there an ache in my Heart?
There's something like an ache in my heart or should I say heaviness in my chest or does the word emptiness describe it properly? No, it's certainly not emptiness that I feel, because I know that I'm feeling something, something I can't describe yet but it's just always present within me.
There is this uneasiness in my chest which itches to be gotten rid of. No, it's more like I want to feel this and yet not feel it. It's as if this uneasiness has become my identity which I long to forget but also want to remember because I'll loose myself once forgotten.
These recent days I'm looking for things that complete me. Things that make me want to live, things that bind me to this earth, things that make feel connected to the ground, things that remind me of my dreams that are almost non-existent.
I'm running after things that are long forgotten by my mind that they even existed.
I feel incomplete sometimes, as if there's something missing inside of me.
I know that I'm living, but I don't feel alive. It's as if I am a shell with all the moving parts but with a dead soul.
I sometimes smile, but it feels incomplete too. I feel like something fundamental is missing behind that smile. After I've thought about it a little, I realized that it's the warmth in my heart that's missing. I feel cold and feel next to no emotion when I smile, all I feel is hurt in my heart, that pain in my chest. I feel like ripping it out of me and leaving for the dead, I grab a hold of my chest trying to hold it, trying to touch it, I desperately feel like getting rid of it. But then I realize that it's not something that exists on the surface but it's something that dwells deep within my heart where it seems to have made itself a little home ( here "it" refers to the hurt). Sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy of smiling or more like I lost the ability to smile.
Some days I put on a fake smile just to mask everything. But only I know that I'm dying inside. It kills me to hide everything. I want someone to know my pain and see through my smile, but as expected of this world, no one does. I joke around, I jump, I laugh, I smile, I walk, I run, I breath, I live, all the while having this heaviness in my chest pulling me down to my knees.
I feel like I'm bleeding but I don't see the blood. It hurts me deep inside, it's almost as if the pain is physical, but I know that it's not. It's just an ache in my heart, but I don't get why it hurts so damn much.
Sometimes I feel like crying, but I get no tears from my eyes. I cover myself with a blanket and pull it closer to me wishing it fills this hole in my heart. But it never does.
Sometimes I curl myself into a structure that resembles a ball because I feel too free. I just feel like I might fall apart if I don't do something. I feel like there's just too much space around me and that I need to be constrained.
When I walk with my arms open I feel like sitting and just hold myself together. I don't know how else to describe this feeling except tell about the thing I do when I feel this.
It's just that I feel empty, or it's more like I want to run away from something all the while keeping myself together.
Sometimes I just see myself floating away into nothingness without leaving any clues behind to find me. I feel like just getting lost for a while so that I can just find myself.
I imagine myself becoming a part of this very earth. I imagine me reaching to the skies above filled with beautiful sparking stars and a brightly lit full moon. The feeling almost resonates with the word peace.
Yes, that is what it seems like I'm searching for, It's the peace within my heart. I desire peace. I desire to become nothing. I want to feel full and complete. I want to feel warmth in my heart for one last time. Yes, that is what I truly want. I want to feel a little bit of warmth in my heart before I reach the skies or become a part of nature.
It's just feel way too cold inside. I think it's the warmth that's missing from me that's causing this ache in my heart. Yes that's it, I think I found the answer to my question. It's the warmth that's missing, that's causing me to feel incomplete.
Although I seem to have found an answer to what I'm missing, I still do not have an answer to how I'm supposed to reach that answer. It still remains a mystery.
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