Destiny.

Destiny.

by Aqua Skies






Sometimes I simply wonder. I wonder what will happen if I do it again. my "it" is not subjective the "it" I am talking about is absolute. To try to free myself again from these invisible chains.

I know what is wrong with me but i don’t. Who would take my broken soul? Help me mend?

Help me to be at least workable in this cruel world. I wonder....

I am okay, I say but I am not. They say this is the story of everyone else as well but do they even know about my pain? Do they know I don’t share the pain most people go through? Do they know my pain is divine? Others say they are fine when they are not and the world tells people like me to feel for them instead for ourselves. I don’t doubt it. I am sure they are going through terrible tragedies on their own as well, yet I don’t think my suffering is any less then their if not anymore.


They have lost something precious to them but me on the other side, I have lost something I have never known. I am missing a part of me I have no idea about. I am the definition of broken. Perhaps I am destined to be broken.


According to them if you’re broken it's a good thing because that’s how the light gets in but I don’t understand which light are they even talking about? The light of enlightenment? The empathy I already felt before I was broken? Or the light of hope to carry on?

Because I do not feel the latter, that is the light I do not know anything about.

though I hope one day I will be free again.


Everyday I wake up and it's just another day. Normal people do not feel that, empty. The emptiness echoes when i am surrounded but the loneliness accompanies when i am alone but when is loneliness ever good for anyone?


No matter where i go, what do i… it clings onto me like i cling onto my hope of being free one day.

And that hope to be free is my only motivation to move through the day no matter how sick it may sound.

The first time I tried to free myself, I made a deliberate mistake. Nobody wants to let go, we all want to be saved. I did too perhaps. I am a human at the end of the day,

I let the door open. If it was closed I wouldn't be here typing this out of my heavy heart I would have been free shackled somewhere else but not into the mortal world I am sure.


People say to be free is to not be in shackles that humanity has created. It is indeed possible to break those shackles forged by humanity but there is something fundamentally broken inside me which people will never understand and i do not blame them for either lack of time investment or the lack of understanding. Soul is a divine entity while the body is perishable. So I'd say that there is something wrong with me on a divine level.


You can’t argue with me. You can’t really, trust me on that. Because you don’t know what i feel and you never will and it's okay. I feel relieved in a way that we don’t share the same fate of minds. My mind is the source of my worst suffering right after my soul.


So it doesn't matter where I go… it doesn't matter who am I with… I will always have the broken soul of mine inside me so unless I part my ways with my soul and my perishable body I will never be truly free.

But it seems like god has other plans. He wants me to live. I also used to think I was destined for great things. Am I? I don’t know.

But my destiny won’t come running to me. I have to find it but how can I find my destiny when I can't even feel alive which all humans seem to do easily? I am not destined for great things. I am destined and designed to be broken. If my destiny finds me before I somehow manage to drown myself in the pit of eternal darkness. Then dear destiny hear me out… now would be the perfect time to help me pull through because I don't know how long I can hold on anymore.


In one moment of rage I will let it go. Let everything go. My soul, my perishable body, strangle my destiny with my own hands and jump into the deepest hell fires for I am my own destruction. Because I am not weak, I am strong enough to be my own ends knowing I shall forever be damned to the lowest of hells. So dear destiny find me I can't find you. I am in chains invisible and visible holding me down unless you help me break them.