Contradiction.

Contradiction.

by Aqua Skies

Often I think about that feeling that I used to have when I was younger. That feeling of being wanted, the days when I used to look forward to the sunrise, to go to school or eat sandwich for lunch and to watch anime in evening.

When I did’ t see all my flaws. When I used to think world was a happier place. When I used to be privileged and ignorant and hell a brat even. I miss the days when I used to be not sad? I don’t know if happy is the word I can use. That’s the best I can describe it… not being sad days.

The feeling of being carefree, of not having to worry about my future, present and past and not having to carry this weight around my shoulder I hope to see if I can ever be that again.

My shoulders are drooping low yet they are always tense and straight due to nervousness.

When I am in bed I wish to sleep but all I do is daydream.

I chase happy in TV shows and books and rarely music but I can’t find it, but I know I need it.

It has been years… I have years of hurt raging inside of me. Perhaps all that boiling lava is getting all dense and cool turning into something more peculiar and beyond words that I can fathom.

I am not getting okay with time or getting better dealing it I am getting worse getting sadder with each day passing by.

Falling apart at ungodly hours and merry moments sometimes while sipping my freshly brewed coffee watching TV with my family or talking to friends on video call. The sad hits me like a train and all the air leave out of my lungs.

You must think there are people who don’t have family and friends you do yet you’re complaining but here I tell you.

How can I make them understand something that even I don’t understand?

I love them enough to not burden them with my insecurities and pains because I value them too much and I know I am beyond help truly and I know they are only humans they will worry and I will not change, so there will be this unsaid uneasiness between us and I will not not be able to stand that uneasiness due to my inherited paranoia then I will lose my connection with them and get more lonely then I already am.

I don't want to initiate that kind of cycle of hurt due to my hurt that will never change. Hence I choose to suffer in silence.

Do not think for a second that I am ungrateful I have friends yet I feel lonely. Maybe because I have not opened myself enough for them to understand me is the reason I feel so alone even in their company then again I must remind you that I am nothing but a contradiction.

They will not understand me… nobody does, everyone ends up leaving. If I expose them to even these tiny fragments of me and they don’t accept me I will lose the very few pieces I have left of my soul to feel okay even if I have to force myself to be so I will not.

I know this is stupid. This whole idea, whatever rubbish I am talking about here, this whole point of trying to vent here on this blog this instagram but I cant do anything else either.

I don't see myself doing anything either. Everyday is the same. One day at a time, me doing my stupid tasks through the day literally just getting by having nothing to look forward too. I eat, I laugh, I sleep, I cry and often indulge into self destructive activities but nothing ever compares to the days when I used to feel. That is it… I used to feel. I used to actually feel, I did not get thrusted with these unsolicited emotions everyday in my face which makes me feel pathetic and nothing else about myself.

I used to be normal not this ultra fucked up version of myself. No this is not self-loathing this is my raw observation. I may be a liar but I promised myself that Aqua Skies will be truthful. And here Aqua is talking on my behalf.

This is my attempt to accept myself truly.

I am numb I think….

But I also feel this heavy sad and anger and guilt and disappointment and hurt and pain that I wish on no one.

But some days I dot feel nothing at all.

Just empty.

Like am pot that has been used to make soup but is now drained of all of its content.

Like how I am feeling right at this very moment.

That being the reason I decided to write this blog today. I have no idea what am I going to name it though maybe I should name is ‘contradiction’ because I am constantly contradicting myself here.

Trying to explain myself to you whoever you are that bothers enough to understand and I try to understand myself and to answer my own question…

“What am I?”

I am cryptic that I can assure you. A conundrum, a contradiction. I do not flaunt it, believe me I despite it. I try to find pattern everywhere to make sense of things but I can’t find patterns in myself and Ican’t make sense of myself. It’s frustrating and revolting.

It sickens me that I feel surge of emotions at days even euphoria at times even if lasts for a moment or two on its own then all of a sudden I don’t, I do not feel anything at all for hours and days.

I want to chase that feeling of content but I also want eternal peace.

I want to fight but I want to give up.

I like winters but I can’t bear the cold.

I like pastel shades but I end up with darker tones.

I love attention but I can’t stand the pressure.

I get bored but I always keep myself engaged.

I want challenges but I quit if I am having hard time succeeding at those challenges.

What am I if not a contradiction?

I am helpless but I know how to help myself.

I want to rely on someone but I don’t rely on anyone by myself.

I want love but I don't want to be hurt.

I will risk everything in love but I don't want to risk anything at all.

What is this? I don’t know.

What is life even? Some kind of shits how?

How would I fucking know?

I am not living I’m just surviving one day at a time, contradicting myself.